


How to disappear completely: you can’t. You’ll always be living in someone’s broken heart

by Myo_sis



Series: From inevitable death arises the most feverish feelings ever, which is a blessing for cold-hearted and tortured creatures like humans [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Fluff and Angst, Gekijouban Gintama Kanketsu-hen: Yorozuya yo Eien Nare | Be Forever Yorozuya, I still hate tags, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, M/M, Sad, Spoilers, a lot of Angst actually, and well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-27 20:01:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21124418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myo_sis/pseuds/Myo_sis
Summary: SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIEPart 1 of the series.-Gintoki decides to kill himself to end the white plague. But first, he has to say goodbye





	How to disappear completely: you can’t. You’ll always be living in someone’s broken heart

**Author's Note:**

> yooo  
so, i'm still really awkward, but i'm happy to share that with you!  
i hope the grammar is ok, enjoy <3

Tomorrow, at sunrise, Sakata Gintoki will die. He will kill himself. And this ultimate gesture would help protecting the world and the ones he loved. He _desperately_ hoped it would.

  
A faint smile stretched his lips as he cast a look at the town down the hill. He wanted to relish the sight a last time before leaving this world. He had lived so, so much in this city. He had been saved, taken care of, to finally, progressively, learn to live again and even finding some joy in doing so. He had met some of the dearest persons to his heart. Persons without who he probably wouldn’t have made it this far in life. This thought came with soothing images of said persons. But as the souvenirs started to warm his heart, a sizzle in his head made them bluntly disappear. And the lovely souvenirs were soon replaced by a sinister coldness.  
Gintoki winced in pain as he tried to fight the tremendous force that was trying to take control over him. Panting, he clenched his fists and closed his eyes to focus. The freezing force was gaining more and more strength each day, progressively taking control of his body. A week ago, he had only one crisis a day and could easily breathe through it until it passes. But now? It was several times a day, each time a little stronger, longer, direr.  
As to punctuate his thoughts, the force struck again. But this time, it was decided to make him collapse. The silver-haired samurai hissed in pain and fell on his hands and knees. All he could see was bottomless black. His heart constricted in his chest as he felt like all the warmth and the joy in the world had instantly faded away. He moaned, trembling, fighting with his guts to stay on all forth and not to collapse headfirst on the ground. Every parcel of his muscles was screaming in agony, begging for release. But Gintoki knew. He knew what this so desired release meant. _It means I win_, growled a dull and provoking voice in his head.  
The samurai gritted his teeth and gasped over an inaudible curse. He couldn’t lose control now. Not with his face crushed in the dirt, not like that, not now. He first had to say goodbye. A feeble moan escaped his throat and he squeezed every muscle, in spite of the pain, to stay there, to remain conscious, to feel, to keep fucking control. And after agonizing seconds, heat progressively came back in his body. When finally the light came back, and that only a bugging sensation remained in his body, he let out a deep sigh of relief, half crumbled on the ground. The few minutes that he needed to recover led him to a frightening conclusion : he had never experienced such powerful crisis before. It was going to overpower him, woefully soon.

  
He sat in front of the dying sun on Edo, eyelids half-closed on watery eyes. His heart was beating like crazy in his chest, chasing the remnants of the pain away and responding to the stressful thought its owner was having. Indeed, Gintoki couldn’t stop thinking that he was glad. Glad he had taken the day to address a tacit goodbye to all the persons he loved.  
A shiver electrified his body as flashbacks of the day started to submerge him. He saw Kagura’s bright smile, heard Shinpachi’s tender laugh, and felt Sadaharu’s big love filled eyes on him. Then he heard Otose’s rambling furiously about unpaid rents, Tama’s caring and peaceful smiles and Catherine’s annoying voice. He remembered smelling Zura’s familiar and reassuring scent, and was almost able to imagine Takasugi’s and Sakamoto’s, and it somehow felt like home. Then he remembered having witnessed Otae cheerfully striking Kondo, while he was eating dangos with Sougo. He was lucky. He had crossed path with almost every person dear to his heart today, and had left a, he hoped, natural and loving last impression on them. He smiled faintly, his gaze lost into the void.  
He was lucky.  
He looked up to the sky, enjoying the last warm rays of sunlight on his ivory skin. Eyes closed, he let the feeling of being alive overwhelm him, and took a deep, ample breath. He reopened his eyes and addressed to the immensity above him.

  
“See, Sensei. You arose the human in the demon I was.” His voice broke. “I...I look forward to meeting you.”

  
Smiling like an idiot to the firmament, he was weirdly feeling surrounded and safe. That was paradoxical, regarding the situation, and his inexorable incoming death. But, he felt so warm, and alive. Was it the sun embracing his chilly skin? Or the loving presence of his loved ones in his memories? The perspective of seeing Shoyo in afterlife, if it ever was one? He didn’t know, but the life was pulsing through his veins and making him smile like a dork. It was ok. He was expected. By his Sensei at some point, but also and foremost by a very alive human that would be pissed because he was late, but that Gintoki would nonetheless give properly his farewells to, regardless of his insufferable attitude.

*

  
When the old abandoned mansion appeared between the trees, Hijikata let out a sigh of relief. He was exhausted and was dying to spend some time far away from Edo’s hyperactivity. He took his shoes off, got into the main room and spread the dusty futon. He sat on it and started smoking, savoring the peacefulness of the forest surrounding his beloved shelter. Eyes closed, he shivered under the fresh breeze coming through the opened shoji doors. Getting fresh and good air was getting harder and harder these days since the White Plague was taking over the city at a frightening pace. Gintoki and he were lucky to have found this abandoned little place into the woods, and honestly now that they were meeting there at least once a week, the brunette couldn’t imagine how his life would keep going if they were to stop those weekly secret meetings.

  
The Vice-chief let out a long sigh, trying to fight against the thoughts of assignments and others work-related stuffs he had to do. Edo’s Police was overwhelmed, so the Shinsengumi had been helping them on a daily basis while still continuing their usual activities. And that was deadly tiring.  
He opened his eyes when the sun rays came warming his eyelids. The sun was going down already ? What was the Yorozuya doing again ? Not that him being late was surprising, but still, that was annoying. He grumbled to himself and lighted up another cigarette. Well. Even if the perm head wasn’t here, it was still the occasion to relax no ?  
Half a pack later, -HALF A PACK ALREADY?-, he heard noises outside. A second after, Gintoki appeared in the room, and the Vice-Chief got on his feet, ready to shout at him for being late.

  
\- What the fuck were you doing?? I’ve been waiting for almost one hour you really are the worst dumba-

The mad remark of the black-haired samurai was suddenly blocked by eager and passionate lips. Gintoki sent his arms flying around the muscular body of the Shinsengumi officer and crushed his body against his, with so much strength that they fell backward on the wooden floor. Gintoki had instinctively placed his hand behind Hijikata’s head to prevent it to hit the ground. Hijikata tried to break the kiss to breathe, but the silver head was visibly determined to kiss him like there was no tomorrow.

  
Forcing the barrier of his lips with his agile tongue, the Yorozuya entered the other’s mouth and awarded it with the most passionate caress ever, his hand stroking the soft black hair. Rapidly overwhelmed by this new and stunning fervor, the Vice-chief failed to hide a moan that lost itself in Gintoki’s throat, whose pants suddenly felt tighter. Having the fierce and thoughtful Hijikata Toshirou moaning into his mouth was definitely one of the most arousing and mind-blowing things ever. He didn’t think that anything could get him more aroused than he already was, but he was so, so wrong.

  
He forced the officer’s legs opened with one knee and immediately moved his hips forwards, craving for more contact. Their bulges crushed against each other and this time, it was Gintoki who let out an excited and hungry whine. Even though the perm head had always been the most vocal between the two, every moan from him had an electrizing effect on Hijikata, whose hips instinctively bucked forward in need. When their growing erections met again through the thick fabric, they moaned again, in unison this time. And fuck, Gintoki was the most alluring being in this fucking universe, and his lips and tongue were so hot and skilled, and his whole body so freaking fitting against his, and hot, and he wanted him so much more but…the brunette couldn’t fucking breathe anymore!

  
He collected the last oxygen molecules he had left in his limbs and pushed the Yorozuya away. As soon as their lips separated, they both violently inhaled. Panting, Hijikata tried to talk. But as soon as the silver-haired man had taken another deep breath, he was on his lips again, whining desperately. Was he fucking high or something? Still suffocating, the Vice-chief hit him on the head with his fist and reversed their positions, rolling the Yorozuya onto the futon, freeing his mouth in the motion. He breathed erratically and gave his partner a furious look.

  
\- Are you.. completely, out of… out of your mind? He articulated with difficulty between pants.

  
Under him, with his wrists pinned down to the ground by Hijikata’s hands, Gintoki was actually looking like he was on drugs. His eyes were burning with a bestial hunger and each breath he was taking was lifting Hijikata’s body. Hijikata had never seen him so…alive. His cheeks were as crimson as his eyes, and sweat had already started to dampen his hair and temples, and his lips were swollen and glistening and pink and…fuck, how could a man possibly be this enticing? Even though he wanted to look mad, Hijikata was a second away from losing his mind. He forced himself to close his eyes a second to cool his shrieking mind and slow down the heat growing like crazy in his belly.  
A light chuckle from below had him opening his eyes again on the unholy and depraved face of his lover. The latter had a smirk so sinful that Hijikata could feel his soul getting damned forever just at its sight. And he didn’t even care.  
Gintoki suddenly freed one of his wrist and grabbed his collar, pulling their faces together.

  
“ I want you to fuck me like it was our last fucking day on Earth. “

  
His voice was more like an animal growl than an actual human voice. And his look was threatening, full of lustful promises.  
And in less than 2 seconds, all of Hijikata’s self-control disappeared. Blood rushed South. He started trembling but Gintoki got even closer.

  
“ Fuck. Me. “

  
Hijikata had no idea that dirty talk was his thing, not until now at least. He swallowed with difficulty. His senses were hysteric and his skin was burning. Hypnotized and already at the silver head’s mercy, the Vice-chief could feel blood pulsing between his legs.

  
\- …fuck, he hissed, unable to form another word.

  
The time was not at chatting anyways. Because half a second after, Hijikata was ravaging his lover’s lips. Pleasantly surprised, Gintoki hummed in anticipation, locking his arms around the other man’s neck. Their bodies were waving against each other, greedy and impatient. The black-haired samurai’s hands slipped underneath the white yukata and the black shirt in one motion and uncovered the shoulders they were keeping away from him. As soon as more of Gintoki’s skin was exposed, the officer left his lips and rushed against it. The skin was so tender and sweet, and his tongue wouldn’t get enough of its taste. He insisted on the scar he had given him, biting it gently. Shivering under his lover’s mouth, Gintoki let his hands ran in the slick black hair, his hips still wriggling. The movement got the Vice-chief moaning again, in a higher tone this time.

  
\- Fuck Yorozuya I want you.

  
Said Yorozuya almost purred.

“Oya, Vice-chief, what a filthy tongue you have here.”

  
He sized his cheeks between his fingers and squeezed them, pulling the contorted face to his.

  
“I’m pretty sure it can be even filthier somewhere more useful.”

  
The samurai purred again and Hijikata had to exhale loudly to evacuate the heat boiling his body. He was so, so weak for this slutty Gintoki. He was awfully skilled for that. Usually, the Vice-chief would never submit to the perm head. But at this very moment, he didn’t give a shit. He could be asked to get on all forth and bark that he would.

  
He stood up and took off his jacket, tearing buttons apart in the rush. Why the fuck did he come in uniform? He wanted to be naked, right now, he was so hot. While he was struggling with the buttons of his shirt, Gintoki got on his feet and started to undress…at an awfully slow pace. He fucking caressed himself while undoing his pants, his palms spread wide on his skin. Hijikata gulped at the sight and stopped his own undressing. Grinning and proud, the silver head sensually took off his yukata and shirt, unravelling his tone body. He then slid his hands under his pants, and Hijikata imagined his nails digging into his thighs as his hands were going lower under the cloth. Hypnotized, the Officer left his shirt and opened his pants, because he was genuinely afraid that he would hurt himself if he was not freeing his erection right now. He sized it while devouring his lover with his eyes. The latter was still stroking his body with a deadly slowness, a horny grin on his face. Hijikata couldn’t remember being this hard in his life, ever.

Gintoki’s hands slid to his rear and grabbed his buttocks with fervor, making himself whine like the horny and provoking slut he was.  
And that was the hottest and most powerful move ever. The Vice-chief imploded and rushed forwards to grab him, to pin him down, to-

  
“Oy, oy. Are we in a rush ? I don’t think so.” Gintoki had stopped his incoming with a foot against his shoulder.

  
Red of frustration, the black-haired samurai looked up at his drug in human form and wailed. Gintoki started laughing and grabbed his black hair, pulling him closer. Hijikata immediately approached, letting Gintoki’s leg sliding on him until his knee was resting on his shoulder. He had his face in front of his lover’s crotch and... his mouth was watering. He scurried to lower the Yorozuya’s pants and underwear, but the latter pulled his hair.

  
“Slooowly~. We have all night, haven’t we?” A sadistic spark was shining in his crimson eyes.

  
So, he wanted slow burn. How unlike him. First, his passionate embrace for greeting and then, this? That was paradoxical, and totally unusual. They had the habit to go right at it without heavy teasing. But this time, Gintoki was so intense and exciting, how was he supposed to stay calm and to please him like he wanted? He was dying to get inside of him, he needed it so much. Still. He was supposed to be the thoughtful and tempered one here, he just couldn’t let Gintoki see how agonizing it was to resist him. He couldn’t.

  
He bit his inner cheeks and firmed his seizing up on the silver head’s clothes. He wanted slow burn ? He would give him slow burn. A new kind of arousal in his guts sent pins and needles down his spine. Resolute, he gave him a wild look as he started to slowly lower his pants, leaving the underwear untouched. His hands were applying soft massages to the legs while leading the piece of cloth down. Hijikata replaced the other’s leg on top of his shoulder. Gintoki shivered under the savage look of the Vice-chief. He had succeeded to release his sadistic side, and he repressed an excited whimper.

  
Suddenly, he felt teeth gently pressuring his inner thigh. His hand in the black hair twitched and he hissed as the pressure got stronger to progressively turn into pain, as Hijikata was biting the flesh right next to his crotch. He could feel hot breath on his clothed erection. Leisurely, the damp lips got closer to the edge of his underwear. The silver head startled when his lover’s tongue crept under the cloth, caressing his balls. The second after, the skillful tongue started teasing the underside of his cock, and Gintoki wondered why the hell did he have provoked him like that. Biting his bottom lip, he repressed a frustrated moan. The man giving him head was awfully skilled and always meticulous with his work. His hand started to tease his buttocks, leaving scratching marks, and came sizing the sides of his underwear. The fingers wrapped themselves around the elastic, increasing the tightness against his raging erection. A painful shiver shook him, and he cast a glance to the scene, focused on how not to buck his hips forwards and beg for more. The fabric of his underwear was now literally soaked in saliva and precum, but the Vice-chief didn’t seem decided to take it off. What an excruciating tease, why the HELL did he have provoked him? As if he had read his thoughts, said tease’s mouth swallowed one of his ball and the fabric with it. Gintoki winced and pulled at the black hair to control his reaction. This part of his body was extremely sensitive, and the asshole knew it.

  
“O…OK, Maybe I was a little rude with the provocation, maybe we could speed up- aaah!!”

  
The hands pulling on the elastic of his underwear had suddenly left their position to cup the bulge and stroke it lustily. He could already feel a vicious pleasure building in his lower abdomen, and he still had his underwear on, for fuck’s sake.

  
\- Eeeh? Didn’t you say we have all night?

  
The fucker and his exciting deep voice. Gintoki frowned and hated himself a little more. He couldn’t argue with that. His rival’s hands pulled on the underwear again, and his erection got tightly squeezed against his belly. But this time, the head of his cock was free, and Hijikata immediately lapped it, grinning. Electrized, the silver head pulled a little more on the black hair, and got a deeper scratch on his sides in response. It burned, but it only contributed to his immediate pleasure. After a few seconds of sucking, Gintoki started to taste the blood he had himself drained from his bottom lip. Come on, he was already trembling and the serious stuffs hadn’t begun yet. He had to do something.

  
The lone leg he was resting on had started trembling, and keeping his balance was getting tricky. He tried to adjust his position to free the leg he had stuck on the other man’s shoulder but a bold move from Toshi’s mouth drew another moan from him and stilled him. He did his best to regain his composure after this savage assault. Fuck, he had to do something.

  
He rolled his hips, forcing Hijikata’s hands to tug his underwear down, just enough to rub against his painful length, and the perm head whined.

  
“Hmmpgh, Hijikata-kun, please…” his voice was short on breath and higher than usual.

  
Hearing the silly samurai whine and politely ask like that in that high-pitched voice was the ultimate tease. Hijikata fidgeted on site and squeezed the flesh between his hands. He had to win this duel. But his crotch was getting so fucking painful. Time to speed up.  
He let his lips rest for a minute, gently breathing against the skin of Gintoki’s thigh. At the same moment, he finally pulled the underwear down, at a slow pace, and cast a glance at his victim. He was already staring at him, his crimson irises were burning with envy. This sight almost made him moan, but the Vice-chief succeeded to keep it in his throat.

  
“Hmmm, take it off now, come on…” again, the same broken voice that was arousing him so freaking much.

  
His whine had been so long, way too long, and Hijikata’s arousal exploded. This man was way too exciting for him to stay sane. He sped up, freed the leg on his shoulder and achieved to undress his beautiful lover, and came back to his task. His arms hugged the legs and his hands caressed the inner thighs again with lightness. Way too much lightness for Gintoki, who moaned mouth opened, louder than ever, and it made Hijikata hiss. His cock was now painful, just hearing Gintoki’s voice was multiplying his arousal by ten… he sped up again without thinking. His head was buzzing, and there was like a knot in his belly, hurting him. This silver fucker was winning and excited like he was, Hijikata wasn’t even realizing it.  
When his lips arrived to Gintoki’s crotch, he stepped back and looked at the hard and throbbing length in front of him, waiting for him. He breathed deeply, and smiled seeing the cock quiver under his breaths.

  
“Hi-ji-ka-ta-kuun, please…”

  
He didn’t need more. The begging voice was much more than he could endure. Was he losing? Winning? Was begging even fair in the competition? He didn’t give a damn. As soon as the Yorozuya’s praising whimper ended, the head of his cock was hitting the back of the brunette’s throat. Gintoki hissed and startled, wincing under the violent jolts of pleasure assaulting him, and sized Hijikata’s shoulder. Of course, that fucker had no fucking gag reflex. He opened his mouth to ventilate his mind, otherwise he would just lose it too freaking quickly. The brunette had immediately set a vigorous pace, sucking with tight lips from the head to the hilt, relentlessly. In less than a minute, a dangerous torpor was already getting Gintoki’s head, and repressing his moans became an impossible task.  
On the other side of the action, the brunette was enjoying himself probably a little too much. Feeling the perm head jolt and hiss like this was heavenly, and no thought was crossing his mind anymore. All what mattered was his sucking and the trembling body between his greedy hands.  
When his lover became more vocal and started cursing under his breath, he momentarily stopped his ministrations to spit into one of his hand. Gintoki must have known what was to come, because his legs instantly became weaker and Hijikata had to embraced him with one arm to keep him standing.  
He looked at him with a sadistic grin and asserted, proud:

  
\- I guess I win. Look at you, barely standing, panting and moaning like that..

  
The fawning voice of the Officer gave him enough strength to fight back:

  
“As if there was a competition in the first place.. come on Oogushi-kun, stop acting all childish and fuck me like the man you’re supposed to be, hmmm?”

  
Hijikata frowned and cursed him. He was the one acting all childish ?

  
\- Asshole!

  
Hijikata got on his feet and brought his lover down on the futon. The latter chuckled and totally let himself go down, excited. He tried to catch their mouths together but the Vice-chief jolted back, faking anger the best he could, for good measure. He got up and pinned him down with a foot on his throat to take off the last clothes he had on. Once naked, he growled at his lover who was grinning like a dork, a hand on the ankle of the foot maintaining him down and the other hand jerking himself off leisurely. Hijikata was humiliating him and the asshole wasn’t doing anything about it, even if he totally could take the advantage. Gintoki fucking _liked_ it.

  
“Wa-..wa, ouh! What a handsome – ugh! What a handsome cock you have there, Officer. I’m im-impressed!”

  
Gintoki articulated the best he could, the foot restraining the air flood in his trachea.

  
“Mind if I apologize riding it?”

  
The perm head’s purrs were too much for Hijikata to handle. He cursed under his breath and straddled the coughing man. He instantly regretted not having prepared him sooner – he was dying to get inside of him, and to have him shaking under his thrusts.  
Gintoki, with his everlasting sinful grin on the face, opened his mouth, probably to provoke him once more. But this time, the brunette wouldn’t let him do so. He blocked his words by putting two fingers in his mouth and ordered :

  
\- I’m done with your shit. Shut the fuck up and suck.

  
Oh he wished he could take that grin off his sinful face. But Gintoki liked it rough and was playful as fuck, and so stronger than the Vice-chief at this game. So he sucked, and bucked his hips forwards at the same time, drawing a hiss from the brunette, who definitely had reached his limits.  
Once his fingers were coated in enough saliva, he hooked an arm under one of Gintoki’s thigh, bringing it on his shoulder. The man was so flexible, was there absolutely nothing that he could be doing wrong? Panting in anticipation, trying to forget the pain in his length, the Vice-chief started to slowly caress the silver head’s entrance, loosening the muscles in the first place.

  
“Aaah ? I thought you were done with my shit ? do I finally get the good cop?”

  
Gintoki knew so well how to play it slutty and Hijikata was weak at this game.

  
\- Stop provoking me. Or I’ll hurt you.

  
As to strengthen his threat, he got a finger in, two phalanges deep. Gintoki hissed and fidgeted around the first digit, already ready for more. He scowled at his lover, provoking, and purred again, one of his hand starting to stroke his own length.

  
“ That’s...the only thing I’m asking for. ”

  
The words went straight to Hijikata’s cock, who hardly repressed a moan. He gulped and kept eye contact while hooking his index inside him to make room for another finger, that he immediately added without any other teasing. Gintoki startled and threw his head back, letting a long and broken moan out. The sound shook Hijikata who sped up. The thrusts were deep and directly aiming for one thing. It wasn’t their first time at all, Hijikata had gotten good at it.  
A scream broke the air between. Hijikata grinned successfully and poked the little organ under the pad of his finger once more, this time more gently. Gintoki’s back arched and his hand left his length to grab Hijikata’s arm, scratching it. Mouth agape, the silver head tried to breathe but could only cry out. The Vice-chief had seized his cock and gave it a stroke while resuming his prostate teasing. The sensation was too much for Gintoki, the overstimulated little organ sending jolts of electrizing pleasure in his body. Each contact was now accompanied by a flinch of Gintoki, who started to tremble.

  
“Fuck, stop it, please…”

  
Hijikata was parted, between a twisted desire of seeing Gintoki crying under his torture, and the other one painfully aware of his well beingness. He released the pressure on the organ and added a third finger, still stroking the throbbing cock. Gintoki let out a loud and shaking sigh, and glanced at him. His cheeks were scarlet and curved under each ample breath he was taking. When he exhaled, his puffy pink lips were gently trembling. His bottom lip was covered in saliva and blood, and Hijikata could see teeth marks printed on it. The look on his panting face achieved Toshi, who shamelessly moan when their gazes met. Gintoki’s look in this state was what made him lose his fucking mind: begging irises dark with desire, with dilated pupils covered in tears threatening to pour; his eyes were screaming;_ fuck me_.

\- Gintoki.

  
Hijikata made sure to let his tongue roll every syllable of his name, and he shivered just saying the name of this alluring man, probably the most gorgeous and sexiest man ever, who was _his_ tonight, trembling under his body, whose asshole was sucking on _his_ fingers, man who was so ready for more. He was so lucky.

  
“Fuck me!”

  
He removed his fingers and they met forcefully in a messy kiss, mixing their tongues in a passionate exchange of moans and body fluids. They hugged tightly and they both hissed when their hard-on rubbed each other. Their kiss became erratic and they bit each other’s lips more than anything else. Hijikata leaned forward, brushing his body against his lover’s, and reached for his coat, where he knew a bottle of lube was awaiting to be used. He found it rapidly and did his best to keep the kiss going, even though they were doing each other more harm than actual pleasure. Gintoki was way into it anyway, and couldn’t imagine being separated from him even for a second. Panting and scratching his back, he urged him between kisses.  
The Officer freed his hands and rested on his elbows, got a little puddle of lube in the cup of his hand, threw the bottle away and coated their dicks with it, stroking them in the motion. They moan in unison, and Gintoki’s hand sized his lover’s length and led it to his entrance, greedy and impatient.  
Hijikata didn’t need to be asked twice; he adjusted himself, let his hand apply the remnants of lube between the ring of muscle and clumsily slid into his lover, his excitation distorting everything around him.

  
The head passed the ring of muscles and both men moaned loudly, their cheeks brushing against each other. Gintoki needed more, and he squeezed his muscles to get more of the brunette, who cursed under his breath. The teasing had been unbearable for him, and he was afraid he’d cum on the spot if he moved. The silver head sensed it and let his hands ran into the soft black hair, then he caressed his back, his buttocks and came back to his face, cupping it between his hands, stimulating his whole body to help him relieve the pressure between his legs.  
Eyes closed, Hijikata breathed slowly through clenched teeth and thanked his lover by gently brushing his lips against his ear. He focused on kissing the delicate ivory skin, his tongue sliding along the pulsing carotid. Meanwhile Gintoki was stroking his hair, and the unusual tenderness of the gesture brought self-control back in his body. His normal content self would have never sincerely appreciated the gesture, but at this moment challenging his pride, he felt true to himself and to Gintoki, like never before. Being this exposed to a man and getting such tender response was new for him. And it weirdly felt...right. A wonderful feeling invaded his head and brought a smile on his face. Gintoki saw it and started to laugh, a clear and unbridled laugh. Hijikata didn’t know how to respond to that laugh at first. Then, when he realized how vulnerable and sincere the Yorozuya was with him at this very moment, he totally let go and started to laugh too. They hadn’t had such candid laugh for a very, very long time. Although the situation was of the most unexpected and awkward, it felt absolutely right for the both of them. So right that there were no questions of pride or of restraint anymore.

  
They were two men, true to each other, sharing the most intimate moment of their life together, accepting their vulnerability in all its clumsiness, and it was perfectly okay.

  
Hijikata’s hand swept away the few tears of laugh off his eyes and dared to look at the man underneath him, looking half sorry, half merry. He tried to come up with something to say, but when Gintoki opened his eyes, he knew he didn’t have to. Their relationship had never really been based on words anyways. So they just looked at each other, diving in each other’s soul through an intimate gaze. Their smiles slowly faded, and an energy started buzzing between their chest, hurting their hearts. Hijikata got suddenly scared, and slid his hands to Gintoki’s, and they locked their fingers on the futon above Gintoki’s head.  
What was that ? It was so warm – in a burning but pleasant way. Actually, all of Hijikata’s body was burning with this very unknown heat…unknown? Was it totally foreign to his organism? Deep down, he knew he had already crossed path with this sensation, with this emotion. But, it still was too much for him to vulnerably acknowledge, even though the three words were burning his lips. Was Gintoki sharing this moment, too? The Vice-chief couldn’t say. Because as he had come to this realization, the silver samurai’s gaze had become glassy, like covered in a grayish haze. And his face suddenly seemed blank of any emotions.

  
Before Hijikata could feel worried about that or do something, Gintoki easily reversed their positions as if he had always had the lead in their lovemaking. He had freed the brunette’s cock in the motion, and brought it back to his entrance. Eager and abrupt, he led himself slid on him, and barely hissed when Hijikata filled him. The latter whimpered, eyes closed. Breathing at a steady pace to keep a clear mind, Gintoki started riding him, slowly at first. He let a hand rest on Hijikata’s thigh, and the other on his tone belly for leverage. Increasing the pace, pleasure built up in his lower abdomen, slowly at first, then all at once. His lover was shaking beneath him and he had his hands on his hips, helping him with every thrust.  
After a few minutes, they both were panting messes and their bodies were screaming for release. Hijikata dared to look at the gorgeous man riding him and let out a cry of pleasure. Everything was perfect ; from his tone body riding him like no one, to his skilled hips rolling against him, and his disheveled hair hiding his enticing face.

  
\- I…I can’t, anymore, Gin, Gintoki!

  
Struggling, the black-haired man straightened up and surrounded the precious body riding him of his arms. Gintoki broke his pace and his forehead fell on his lover’s shoulder. Hijikata crossed his legs ina sort of lotus position, and the silver samurai did the same, locking his legs around him. This position gave them a whole new angle and when the Officer gave an experimental thrust, Gintoki let out a plaintive wail, digging his nails into the other’s back. His cock was getting stimulation with every thrust, and it was agonizing. Content with the reaction, Hijikata set a vigorous pace. Each thrust was now hitting Gintoki’s prostate, getting him closer to release. Between Gintoki’s cries and his tightness and warmness, Hijikata was overwhelmed. The Yorozuya’s scent was everywhere and it was driving him crazy. The scorching pleasure in his lower abdomen wouldn’t stop increasing, and soon enough it became intolerable. He let out a pained howl.

  
\- Gin…Gintoki I’m, I’m close!

  
But Gintoki couldn’t respond, because the broken crying voice of the unshakable Demonic Vice-chief had him sent over the edge, and he gasped and sobbed as he orgasmed, his movements becoming erratic. He instantly clenched around Hijikata, who let go too with a muffled scream. They both enjoyed this moment lost in each other’s arms, totally surrounding to the other.  
Panting, they slowly rode out of their orgasm, both of their head resting on the other’s shoulder.  
Hijikata was in heaven, struggling to come back from the most intense orgasm he had ever had.  
As for Gintoki, he was already back. He didn’t have much freedom to enjoy, since he had burst into tears the second he had reached release. Were they tears of pleasure? No. They were tears of despair, of suffering, sadly not a physical one, but a very deep one, a suffering tearing his soul apart. He bit his lip to blood to contain another sob and slid his hand under his face to keep Hijikata’s skin dry. He couldn’t see him crying.  
Fortunately, the brunette hugged him tighter and leaned against him, until they both were laid down on the futon, Hijikata on top of him. He took advantage of the motion to let out another sob, decreasing the pressure in his chest.

  
They would never sleep together after it, normally.  
But this night was everything but normal, huh?  
Hijikata had unwittingly acknowledged the most powerful and intimate feelings he had deep down his heart. And Gintoki had seen it, and it had killed him, and his courage with it.  
They cuddled like teenagers, like if it was their first night together. Maybe it was, in a way. Gintoki hid his teary face against the brunette’s chest, and if the latter remarked it, he didn’t say anything, and Gintoki was glad for it.  
He was also glad that his workaholic lover was so exhausted, because he almost immediately fell asleep. So Gintoki could let his genuine sadness flow, dampening the futon beneath them. He let himself being surrounded by Hijikata presence, by his now familiar and soothing scent, by his steady breaths and warm body. He was feeling more vulnerable and littler than ever. Anguish started to rise into his chest, and it was like the darkness around them was growing into a grim presence crushing him. Goosebumps made him shake, and he rolled himself up in foetal position, squeezing himself against Hijikata, desperately trying to get warmer at his contact. But the dark and cold presence menacingly surrounding him had the upper hand, and dug its cold claws into his skin, making him wince in pain, in _fear_. No. he didn’t want to go.  
He wished he could hug Hijikata tighter. But the force was mentally drawing him away. He closed his eyes, wailing like a hurt animal against his mother’s belly.

  
Suddenly, Hijikata fidgeted in his sleep and hugged him tighter, forcing his head against his chest. Gintoki’s heart slowly calmed down, so did his breathing. The heavy and grim presence hovering above him faded away. He felt protected. Warm, alive. His fears had vanished.  
This whole situation would have killed his usual self. All that tenderness and feelings for Hijikata, his normal self would have never tolerated it. But, as he had said, tonight was everything but usual. Tonight, was his last night. All reason had left him.

  
Only a numbness in his mind remained. A sort of survival instinct allowing him feelings and attitudes that were at the opposite of who he was, to protect him.  
To protect him, from the woeful pain of feeling more alive than never before, while inexorably marching to his own death.

  
*

  
Hijikata opened his eyes slowly, woken up by a cold breeze viciously caressing his lower back. The unusual surroundings his first sight informed him of pushed him to analyze the situation quickly, while staying perfectly still. Dusty smell, old and worn-down furniture, a pile of clothes not far – his and… oh. And a very recognizable white yukata decorated with blue spirals, half spread onto his supposedly sleeping body. Movement next to him cooled him down once more, and he realized how naked he was. His cheeks reddened as flashbacks inundated his mind.  
The fact that he had had sex with Gintoki wasn’t the thing bothering him. Even though it was still an eerie thought to have, it had become a fact that he and the Yorozuya boss had a fair amount of sexual tension to release within each other’s arms. But, the main detail that had increased his heartbeat and gotten his hands clammy was the frightening fact that they were still together the morning after, intimately sharing a futon.  
Having sex was something, sleeping together, another. Usually they would go for a good fuck and then, maybe share a cigarette, chat of a few things if needed, definitely banter over pointless stuff and then part ways, as it should be. They had never agreed on anything stipulating that they had to do so but, that was a fact already, no? No actual words had been exchanged about their relationship. It was more an all body language kind of communication type of relationship. Right?!

  
Another shiver jiggled his spine but without the help of cold air this time. The brunette was confused, and a sort of anger was lingering in his stomach.  
He had never fully digested – neither tried to digest – the fact that he was into a guy, especially NOT Gintoki of all people, this insufferable dumbass and his stupid natural perm of soft and pretty silver hair, the fucking Shiroyasha, a way too strong and enticing man, an amazing dad in spite of himself and his slutty habits and astonishing skills in bed, and sexy panting and begging face and…ugh!!  
Hijikata winced in self-disgust, feeling atrociously frustrated to have these kinds of thoughts taking over. Come on, he was stronger than that, and these kinds of bullshits had never been his priority in life, he had much more important things to think about. He bit his lower lip to repress a sigh, deciding for his own good that it was more than time to wake up and leave this place, and to get his life back together. He wasn’t a fucking teenager for fuck’s sake.

  
Although half a second before feigning an awakening, Gintoki wriggled next to him, and he soon felt lighter, as the white yukata was carefully removed off his body by its owner. Carefully...? Wait. Was the perm head trying to sneak out while he was – supposedly – sleeping?  
Rustles of clothes next to him. The silver haired man was definitely dressing up slowly to avoid waking him up.  
A frown darkened his face as a glint of worry flickered in his blue eyes. A weird mixing of feelings arose in his guts. Was it anger? Surprise? Fear? …disappointment? One thing was certain; it was painful. Was he really leaving without a word?

When Gintoki moved again beside him, he got scared the black strands of hair sprawled on his forehead wouldn’t be enough to hide him, so he closed his eyes and feigned a steady, sleepy breathing. He could hear Gintoki’s breathing and almost sense it on his naked exposed shoulder. He suddenly felt extremely lonely and wished he could feel lips on said shoulder. But Gintoki stayed still, and Hijikata had no freaking idea of what could possibly be going on in his head. It was unnerving and so frustrating. He wished he could hear Gintoki’s thoughts, so he could know how to feel. He couldn’t be left alone like this, with a scorching sensation wreaking havoc into his body and mind.  
Why the idea of Gintoki sneaking out was bothering him so much? Him, who was cowardly feigning to sleep beside him? It should be a release, knowing that he could avoid an embarrassing conversation with the samurai and go back to his normal life effortlessly. So why, and what was that reluctant hope he was feeling?

  
Gintoki sighed next to him, and he heard him get up. Hijikata’s throat went dry. So that was it. He was leaving without a word, leaving him alone in their shelter after such a passionate night. Because, yeah. The night they had just shared had absolutely nothing to do with their regular nights. His closed eyelids sheltered souvenirs of Gintoki, assaulting him as soon as he had crossed the doorstep. Kissing him like there was no tomorrow, looking him in the eye with a sincerity he had never witnessed in the mahogany irises before. And… riding him into a hug, their bodies intertwined together as they had orgasmed almost in unison, latching onto each other passionately. Hijikata opened his eyes again to chase the memories away, his heart cold as death. It was hard to admit but, Gintoki hadn’t fucked him last night. They had made love, together, in an ardent and desperate and _loving_ way.

  
Hijikata closed his eyes again, his bottom lip starting to tremble. He felt the world spinning around him, and fought the best he could to hold on onto a realistic and reassuring thought, but there was none. For his mind was assaulted with relentless unanswered questions about what he was feeling. And his chest was getting tighter with a not-so-foreign emotion, and his mind frozen by a tremendous fear to acknowledge it.  
In the end, Gintoki leaving right now would be the best thing that could happen to him, for he had no idea where this emotion could be leading him.

  
As if he had heard him, Gintoki got up in a clumsy move, and with the first sounds of muffled footsteps hammering on the ground came a growing feeling of regret and distress in Hijikata’s heart. He closed his eyes to throw it away. But the feeling was determined and deeply anchored within his guts. And even though the Vice-chief was fighting against it, he knew, deep down, that this feeling had been lingering there for a long time, waiting the right time to glow. _This is no time. It will never be_, Hijikata tried to convince himself.  
Gintoki was fleeing, therefore he was thinking like him : this night should have never happened and it was better for both of them to forget it, to close their eyes on this unfortunate and unexpected situation.  
Letting him leave was the right decision. What would they do otherwise? Discuss? Of what? Of their respective feelings and expectations? Ah, no, not happening, that was stupid and it wouldn’t lead to anything good. Right. Right?

  
The footsteps froze.  
Was Gintoki regretting his decision? Hijikata’s heart missed a beat as he intensely hoped so. He could already imagine him go back, lay down against him and wait for him to wake up so they could talk, and eventually…  
Eventually what? Hijikata winced in frustration. He felt like he was torn apart, between two distinct feelings that were light years away from each other. How could such a passionate hope live along such a strong rejection and self-disgust?

  
The shoji doors quickly slid open in a characteristic sound, and a searing pain assaulted Hijikata’s chest.  
He was leaving him.  
_Don’t go._

  
*

  
A hand grasping desperately the door, the other pressing his eyes into his skull, Gintoki was frozen on their shelter’s doorstep.

  
_Hold me back, please._

  
Gintoki was now too desperate to think about anything else. Since he had had the tremendous strength to reluctantly get up, countless scenarios had crossed his mind; from the white plague miraculously fading away, to breaking into tears in Hijikata’s arms as they were looking for an alternative solution together, every implausible scenario had played into his wrecked mind. The only possibility that was strictly left out was doing nothing. Because each time he had boldly let that thought assault his mind, he had pictured Kagura, Shinpachi and his loved one’s hair whitening, because of him, and his despair had only gotten greater.  
He had to go, no matter how agonizing it felt.

  
Although, no matter how unshakable his resolve was, he was still a man. An astonishingly broken one, who over the years, had learnt how to love life again. And, who had, as recently as yesterday, finally understood how much he loved his life. How much he loved life. And now that his desire to live had grown at its fullest, he had to go.  
The silver samurai winced in pain, holding onto the door with enough strength to bend the wood.  
Why was that farewell so hard to do ?  
He had made his mind over weeks, and nothing, absolutely nothing was supposed to hold him back. He was leaving for Kagura and Shinpachi, for Otose, for the well-being of the people that had a huge place in his heart... And he was doing that for them, hesitating was impossible. He had,_ they_ had everything to win. When he would finally vanish from this world, things could go back to normal. Otose would get rid of a boring tenant, Kagura and Shinpachi would be freed from the bad influence a slacking and sinful madao like him was exercising on them. And the apocalypse he had cursed his world with would disappear with him.  
He had lengthily thought it through : his disappearance would be for the absolute best. It was a necessity.  
A brighter world was awaiting all of them, and this perspective was keeping his heart warm and beating. So he had to go.

  
Nothing worth hesitating…yet… when he had looked at Hijikata’s sleeping face barely minutes ago, a devastating and ethereal doubt had sized him hard. He had been filled with two distinct and powerful, yet strange feelings which could be summed up in an idea : the grotesque desire to give in body and soul to this doubt, allowing himself to feel and to live carelessly, being himself beyond his own rules.  
That eerie desire had lingered longer than he’d have liked to, and he had admired the man sleeping next to him like a precious and tempting sin. The uncovered skin of his muscled shoulder looked soft and Gintoki had violently desired to kiss it. He could have lick it tenderly with the tip of his tongue, leaving a thin trail of saliva in its wake. The teasing and eager tongue could have reached the jaw of the sleeping man, and the caress could have evolved into delicate kisses on his cheek, on his eyelids, on his nose, on his mouth, waking him up in a shamelessly amorous way.

  
What would have happened then? How would have the fierce Demonic Vice-chief reacted? To what could it have possibly led, in the following minutes, days, years?  
He could have done that, and get a few answers. That sounded very unlike him. But at the moment it had felt right somehow, and soothing even. Was it his imminent death making him see and think beyond his pride and restrictions? He didn’t know, and honestly it didn’t really matter. Because there was no room for futile and self-centric questions like these ones, not when the future of his loved ones was at stake.

  
Gintoki reflexively chased tears rolling down his cheeks away and closed his eyes. Beside the salty trails, no trace of any pain could be seen on his face. Only the determination and greatness of a man sacrificing himself for what he thought was right.

  
_Just go, Gintoki._

  
He tried to lift his foot to walk away, but his leg was trembling and tears were blurring his vision again.

  
_Hold me back Hijikata, please, hold me back._

  
*

  
Hijikata had now lost every kind of control over his thoughts and he was drifting far away from his usual measured and thoughtful self. His whole body was trembling, and despair had invaded him. A voice in his head was yelling to get up and to hold Gintoki back. He would think later, now he just had to keep him close.

  
The sound of two feet hopping on the ground outside the doorstep filled their shelter.

  
_ No, come back, stay with me, stay._

  
So, in the end, the man he had called his lover was ashamed. And, not knowing how to tell him that, he had preferred to flee and to dump him here, naked and alone into their sheets still impregnated with his fragrance.

  
_Stay._

  
The shoji doors slid close. Four more footsteps, and nothing.  
Hijikata rolled himself up into the sheets, letting Gintoki’s enticing smell surround him. In foetal position, he closed his eyes. A painful feeling of loneliness that he had never felt before crushed his insides, until only a sole emptiness remained.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm crying  
and i would l o v e getting some feedback, i am sooo insecure :,)  
thanks for reading <3


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